Okay, so this is perhaps a crazy place to get a thought from, but I was recently randomly watching Grey’s Anatomy and the whole episode was about Christina and this phrase:
“Do you know who you are?”
I know I am Miriam.
I know I am God’s Child.
I know I am a Daughter, a Mother, A Wife, A Friend.
I know what I like to do and
some things I am good at.
I know where I came from and where I want to end up.
Everything in between is often a blurry mess. I say often, but I mean really all the time.
Who am I?
Where am I going?
What am I doing?
I feel as Christians we are so often taught that God has a plan for us and eventually it will be revealed to us. Just wait. Be patient. It’ll come to you.
You are not the Creator
of your own Destiny, God is.
Oh, and somehow you will also be able to tell, if that plan that eventually tells you what your destiny is, then is God-given or devil-pushed. Somehow you’ll know.
I’ve taken countless of personality/talent/this is you tests to try to figure out what to do with my life, what talents and gifts I’ve been given by my Creator – they often reveal new thoughts or confirm known ideas about myself. But they are just that: thoughts. Very rarely are they Actions.
I feel the need to Act.
Most of the Time, we know the steps we need to take to get somewhere. That is not the issue. The issue is actually taking those steps.
And most importantly, allowing ourselves to take those steps.
I’ve read other people’s blogposts about how they are not wanting/willing to put out New Year’s Resolutions for various reasons and though I applaud them and their reasons, I don’t function that way.
I need to make plans, set goals, tick off those marks towards reaching goals – in pretty much every aspect of my life…
May it be finally having that conversation about Christ with the cashier at Target or helping my family towards financial freedom.
May it be finding my place in the artists’ world or nudging my children towards adventure and life!
So, this morning, January 1st 2015, I woke up later than I wanted.
Right away my life-long learned instincts held me back. In my mind, but what more powerful tool is there.
It was already not going according to plan.
I wanted to wake up early. Get a head start. Instead I stayed in the warm bed and cuddled with my one-year old.
Once I got up, made breakfast, frustrated that Grant got up before me and went out running in the freezing cold that resulted in frozen hair and face that the boys thought was hilarious – he got the head start I did not.
I was mad at myself.
Finally I ended up in front of the computer, taking care of little business things here and there – trying to collect my thoughts and make up for lost time.
The other reason I had wanted to get up early was because though I love working from home, it is incredibly hard to focus when your children come to stand next to you every 5-10 minutes for various reasons. My mind easily gets derailed and I feel like I have to get my focus back over and over again.
At one point this morning, I went downstairs to fill up my (still half full) cup of coffee. Don’t ask me why, it’s just what I do.
On the last step, I slipped, fell, hit my lower back on the corner of the step, while holding up the coffee cup, so that it would not break, landing on my already sprained (or something other painful) wrist, with coffee sloshing everywhere: the stairs, the floor, the wall.
I broke into tears.
Some of it was the pain.
Some of it was the mess.
Some of it was this thought:
Is this really how I am starting the New Year? Welcome to 2015, Miriam…
I was disappointed.
This was not the plan.
This is was not how I was going to start the best year of my life to date.
I had plans for today. I have plans for this year. And the plans were good ones, ambitious ones, big ones.
Inspired ones, even.
Plans that require everything to go right… That is my daily lie that I live with: If it doesn’t go right, if it is not the way I think it should be, if I can’t “stick it out”, if I fall… it must be… not what I am supposed to be doing/I will fail/I’ve failed already/what’s the point/not God’s plan for me…
And all of a sudden I got scared. Still am.
What if these plans are just foolish dreams?
What if they are the devil-pushed ones?
What if I fail?
Fail my family.
And most of all, fail my God?!
God promises this:
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
To live in Him.
To give Him our lives.
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
Matthew 11: 28-29
He will give us rest.
Hope in His promises.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
The World has taught me to fear when I fail.
But that is not God’s design.
I am not designed to give up when I fail.
I was designed to get back up and try harder.
To have hope.
To have peace.
Peace in the knowledge that, if I let His light shine through me, He will give me more than what the world could ever give me.
Knowledge that the Holy Spirit lives in me.
Excitement that He will work through me – no matter which destiny I choose, as long as I shine for Him.
I was designed to take all that God has given me and to keep using it, daily, yearly, all the time to work in His Glory – for Him, for myself, for my family, for whoever.
Yes, what if I fail?
What if I fall again?
I am not alone.
And more importantly, what if I get to live in much greater ways for Him?
What if I get to shine brighter?
What if I get to fly?
image not my own
God created us.
He gave us talents, traits, ambitions to work with.
What we do with them, how and when, is still up to us.
We cannot just sit back and wait. Well, we can, but I don’t believe that is the point for us here on this earth.
We are still responsible for our own destiny. The one here. Scary and hard as that may be.
I am not naive, I know the path I choose here and how I walk it will directly determine where I go for eternity, but I am done being afraid to live and give it my all!
image not my own, composition yes
That doesn’t sound right, you might think. I thought that for years.
We are called to set our eyes on heavenly things, not earthly things:
You have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died,and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.
But does that mean that we are called not to live on earth?
We are asked to put away evil things. And to visibly live in Christ!
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.
So, 2015, here’s to creating my path, giving it my all. To be a light for Him. To living clothed in Christ and being thankful!
Here’s to getting back up, trying again, believing in what I was given to do and what I choose to do on this earth to glorify His name!
Here’s to living!
I might not know completely who I am and I know I am ever-changing, but I know where I am going and what I am wanting to achieve on the way there.
I also know that my God is never-changing. He wants to see us live life. For Him and with Him. He wants to see us soar!
And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
Here’s to living for Him.
Here’s to 2015.
Here’s to You.
Here’s to me.
Here’s to living.
Here’s to flying!
Post Script: It is now January 2nd,2015 – things mights have sidetracked me…